.the hardest part isn't finding out who we need to be.

ashley_wyeth @ 2004-08-09T14:41:00

2004-08-09T18:46:35Z

Lila, my new roommate, seems insane. Cutthroat. She was telling me about how difficult it was to apply because so many untalented people applied this year and they lowered the acceptance numbers (I have no idea how she knows this). She then proceeded to ask me personal questions about my life, especially about me and James. I know she's going to be my roommate, but I felt like she was scoping me out. Judging me. She barely knows me.

At least we're in a nice hall - the 13th Street Residence Hall. On the sixth floor. Actually, I couldn't have asked for a better room - we face West 13th Street, and right across from the bathrooms.

I have a meeting at the Community Center today to plan the end of the summer art show. In 10 minutes. Shit.

ashley_wyeth @ 2004-06-17T17:55:00

2004-06-17T22:07:28Z

It's a very confusing time for me right now.

I'm on Zoloft. Yes, I decided to go through with it. I don't know if 20 years from now I'm going to look back and regret my decision, but for right now this is what needs to be done.

I feel better already.

Now that my cast is off I've been creating like crazy. I made a trip to the bead store in Stamford yesterday and stocked up.

http://f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/libramrd/detail?.dir=/eded&.dnm=6fea.jpg&.src=ph

I don't even think I'll wear it. I just like the colors.

Things are going much, much better.

ashley_wyeth @ 2004-05-01T20:22:00

2004-05-02T00:24:57Z

Today Dr. Reiner (my psychologist) said I should think about taking an anti-depressant. She gave me the name of a psychiatrist and said she'll notify him if I make a decision. She asked me to think about it and tell her my decision in two weeks.

PROS.
+I won't feel depressed
+It's a guarentee that I won't feel depressed
+I think I want to take them

CONS.
-I'm afraid of addiction
-Side effects
-I might forget to take one

I need to think about this some more.

ashley_wyeth @ 2004-04-18T23:48:00

2004-04-26T21:43:19Z

So my parents were very strangely observant and sensitive. I was expecting them to ship me off to a mental hospital. Instead, all they did was listen. And then my mom did something very un-mom like for her - she reached across the table and gave me a hug.

They both said they were going to get me help, but I didn't think much of it. But yesterday, my mom called me during my free period at school and told me she found a therapist through the Stamford hospital. I had my first meeting with her yesterday, and it wasn't that bad. I was expecting a weird couch and a lot of "tell me about your childhood", but it wasn't like that at all. We just talked about life and school and work, and it was nice. I told her about James and my friends, and my parents. It was cool to talk to someone who doesn't know my past or anything. Just an unbiased ear. It was good. We meet again on May 1st.

And James has been really supportive. I called him after I got off the phone with Lauren, and we talked about everything. He said he was sorry for being so distant lately, and we're going to spend a lot more time together. We're going to hang out tomorrow night. And it's not even at band practice.

Weirdest thing - Ava's started talking to me again.

ashley_wyeth @ 2004-04-11T17:33:00

2004-04-26T21:36:21Z

So, two days ago I was feeling awful. Just...worse than I've felt in the past month and a half. And I don't know what led me to it, but I just got up from under the covers and called Lauren Hoffman. I don't know why - we've barely met, except the night of the accident and a few e-mails. But I just felt the urge to call her.

It was the best conversation I've had in a really long time. It got me thinking about things - I need to stop keeping everything in. Yeah, art is nice, but it can't be my only way to express things. I need to talk more, to open up.

Going downstairs to talk to my parents. I really need help.

ashley_wyeth @ 2004-04-01T20:09:00

2004-04-02T01:11:26Z

Just woke up about fifteen minutes ago to my mom screaming about the mail.

I stumbled downstairs to find a thick, large envelope from Parsons.
I got in.

And I don't feel very...joyous? Happy? Grateful?

Oh god...

ashley_wyeth @ 2004-03-28T00:53:00

2004-03-28T05:58:35Z

I just woke up from a really awful dream. I was at my funeral, but it wasn't like I was "watching over it"...the point of view was actually in my coffin. Anyway, I'm just lying there, looking around, and I'm in some awful purple suit my mom probably picked out. The minister's there, but he's not talking about me - he's talking about Shakespeare (probably a result of spending every lunch period watching those freshmen). And then I sit up to look around - which the minister isn't fazed by - and nobody's there. In the church. It's totally empty. I get up to walk around, the minister still droning on, and my funeral's on a boat, in the middle of some ocean.

I thought about this for a long time, and I realized -
I have been the worst bitch ever lately.

I can barely talk to my boyfriend anymore. I think we're on the verge of breaking up. I was totally evil to Claudia last week, and I think I alienated someone who could have been potentially one of the best friends of my life. Every time my parents try to make conversation, I'm on the edge of slapping one of them. I can't do any art, so any time my art teacher tries to help, I just snap at her.

And I don't know how I can break out of this.
All I need to do is sleep. For a long time.

ashley_wyeth @ 2004-03-25T22:39:00

2004-03-26T03:40:45Z

Actually went to school today. It was a huge effort - I could barely drag myself out of bed.

Spent lunch and study hall in the back of the theatre, watching the freshman rehearse "A Midsummer Night's Dream". I think I freaked them out.

Got home and slept. All I've been doing is sleeping.

Feeling lifeless.

ashley_wyeth @ 2004-03-19T07:18:00

2004-03-19T12:19:31Z

Shit. I figured out why James was avoiding me.

I missed the concert.

ashley_wyeth @ 2004-03-18T21:03:00

2004-03-19T02:05:40Z

I skipped school 3 times this week. I am this close to quitting my job.

And James has been clearly avoiding me at school. I turned the corner the other day and he dove into the guy's bathroom.

And with no one to ~~talk~~ vent to, it's even worse.

I've barely been doing any art. My feelings are all contained, and I feel like smashing something.

I hate life.

ashley_wyeth @ 2004-03-14T17:56:00

2004-03-14T22:57:30Z

My grounding's over, and I feel no happiness at all. I've sat at home all weekend, watching "The Breakfast Club" over and over. I've been screening my calls too. I know it's not fair to James, but I just can't talk to him right now.

And my arm is killing me. I've run out of painkillers, and I haven't been elevating it. It's throbbing. I can't even get in the mood to work on my wall collage.

Fuck. Skipping school tomorrow. And calling in sick to work on Tuesday.

ashley_wyeth @ 2004-03-10T18:17:00

2004-03-10T23:28:57Z

GOD.

I FUCKING HATE THIS.

I hate being grounded. I hate not having any friends. I hate my parents for making me grounded.
I hate my teachers, classes, homework. I think I even hate Parsons for not getting back to me. And I hate myself for not applying there for early acceptance.

Skipped school today. Again. The best decision I've made in the past two weeks has been to get a blanket note.

Got
To: ashley_wyeth
From: rockaroundtheclock
Subject: miss you.

i don't think i've said it enough, but i'm sorry about ur parents and the grounding. ur grounding is over on friday, so maybe you want to go out? i kno u love johnny depp, so maybe we can go see that new movie.

how's ur arm feeling?

i didn't see u in school, and no one picked up when i called. u ok?

love you.

And I hate to say it, but I'm a bit pissed at my boyfriend too. He's become more and more distant, ever since the tour.

Fuck.

ashley_wyeth @ 2004-03-02T19:24:00

2004-03-03T00:32:14Z

Yeah. So after I promised myself I would never drink again, I went to the Howard Township party, fully knowing that there was going to be alchohol there. And I indulged. Not enough to get rip-roaringly drunk, but enough to not notice that Andi was drunk. I got a ride home, and the car crashed. I'm not blaming Andi, it wasn't her fault.

But now my right wrist and some of my fingers are broken. And I have a cast, possible physical therapy/surgery. Not to mention a 3 week grounding. Mom and Dad were furious. Sure, the one time they pay attention to me is when I'm in trouble. Wonderful.

This really sucks for my art. For the next six weeks I can't draw or paint. I can do very minimal collage work. That's pretty much it. Anything I need two hands for is pretty much out.

The doctor reassured me that I won't have any long-term damage. So if/when I get into art school, it won't be a problem. It's still nerve-wracking, though.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhh.

ashley_wyeth @ 2004-02-27T18:54:00

2004-02-27T23:57:14Z

Really quick, not enough time to update fully.

Going to a party at Sam's tonight in Howard. Going to be sort of assistant DJ...picking out CDs and whatnot, making sure the music is good and everyone's happy. SOS will all be there, so maybe a surprise song. They still haven't worked out the details.

Stenciled some cute new pants.

Got to shower. Looking forward to a fun time tonight.

A-mazing.

2004-02-24T04:53:11Z

Life is going wonderfully for once.

James and the rest of SOS are back from tour. It was so great to see him again. He's...lovely. He said they did really well in audience turnout, and they've already been booked for some places during spring break. So yeah for them. I'm definetly going to make a showing at the Harbor Yard concert...maybe I'll even tote along some of my new SOS shirts that I'm in the process of making.

Just got a payraise.

The masquerade was okay. RFY was pretty good...I didn't see anyone I knew, and no one was really talking to me, so I didn't stick around long.

Art class with Claudia was wonderful. Apparently she got a date out of it, which was nice, and I got some art done. Ehh...doesn't matter if it's faboulous, I just need to get into practice.

And now I'm just finishing up a few stencils for the SOS tee-shirts. I'd better get off soon, there's a visual literacy test tomorrow, and an in-class essay in AP English.

my paper heart might bleed

2004-02-14T04:14:23Z

I just got home from the Strains of Silence going-away party. They left tonight for a gig upstate tomorrow night, and they have to get there in the morning in order to check in, do a sound check, and get settled (they're playing another set Sunday night). Everyone was there...all the band, of course, then all the band girlfriends, and then some friends. It was in the practice space (Will's basement), so they did some goodbye songs for us. It was nice, quiet.

It's the last time I'm going to see James for a week. This was supposed to be our break together. Hell, its Valentine's day tomorrow. And he won't be around. He understands that I just can't make it upstate tomorrow, and he wants me to enjoy myself at the Masquerade tomorrow night. I just wish he could be around for it.

He promised to have the "manager" (our friend Rich) hold up his cell phone in the middle of their set so I can hear how it's going tomorrow night. It's no replacement, but it's a start.

~~So I'm spending Valentine's Day semi-single.~~

.

2004-02-11T02:52:02Z

I just got off the phone with James. SOS got a spot opening on second stage for John Mayer on March 17th.

I am sooo happy for them. I was so worried he was going to be disapointed. No way am I missing it.

*grin*

.

2004-02-09T23:18:01Z

I've decided to attend the Valentine's Masquerade. I feel like I owe it to Claud. She's been really nice to me, and I might as well make an appearance. It's also the day James leaves for his tour, so I'm going to need some cheering up. And I've been meaning to see RFY.

So, its settled. I'm going.

I was digging through my mom's closet - now I understand why my teacher's grumbled about low salaries - and I found this dress. From the 80s. I still have to see if it fits, but I think I'm going to go with it. I've got some great red low-top Chucks, a sequined flower hair pin, and a sequined red and black mask that I'm making.

Maybe this will cheer me up.

.photo shoot extraordinaire.

2004-01-30T01:48:09Z

School got out early yesterday, so Strains of Silence wanted me to do a little photo-shoot for some promo shots that they can use on tour. Some of them turned out really, really nice.

Here's one in Will (the lead singer's) basement.

Outside SAPA.
James didn't like that one. I wonder why.

Outside SAPA, again.

So, they'll use those for band promo posters and bumper stickers and tee-shirts and whatnot.

That's pretty much...it.

.eghh.

2004-01-27T21:51:33Z

I'm bored. So, so, so fucking bored.

It sucks to not have any friends.

And James and his band decided to go "on tour" (which consists of random gigs around Connecticut and a little in Jersey and the city) for all of their upcoming vacations. I mean, yeah, I'll go, but not to all of them. Just the ones close enough.

Can't wait until ~~my acceptance letter~~ my stuff comes from Parsons.

bored-y.

2004-01-13T04:58:15Z

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Ashley Anna Wyeth
-- Birthplace: Hartford
-- Current Location: Stoneybrook...blargh.
-- Eye Color: Green
-- Hair Color: Blonde...its medium-ish lenghth now with bangs.
-- Height: 5'10...tall.
-- Right or Lefty: Lefty. Hate it. Pencil smears are not your friend.

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: French, Scandinavian, Swedish.
-- The shoes you wore today: My busted up pink chucks.
-- Your perfect pizza: Sausage, pepperoni, mushroom. Mmmm.
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: Go to Parsons, get a stand in the Village, have my own gallery

LAYER THREE:
-- Your thoughts first waking up: Where is that fucking snooze button?
-- Your best physical feature: My lips.
-- Your bedtime: I would have to say 11:30 on school nights.
-- Your most missed memory: My childhood.

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: No soda for me - its horrible for you.
-- McDonald's or Burger King: See above.
-- Single or group dates: Single. Who goes on group dates?!
-- Adidas or Nike: Neither. Sweatshops.
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Neither. Too sweet.
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Do you even have to ask? Chocolate.
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Coffeecoffeecoffee.

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: NO.
-- Cuss: Yes.
-- Sing: Badly.
-- Shower everyday: Yes! Oh god, if I didn't? Narsty.
-- Have a crush(es): On my boyfriend. (Can you feel the sap?)
-- Do you think you want to go to college: PARSONS. But if that doesn't work out...RI or San Francisco.
-- Like(d) high school: It's...okay.
-- Want to get married: Not now. Oh god, not now.
-- Believe in yourself: Erm.
-- Get motion sickness: Not often.
-- Think you're attractive: Hellz yeah, baybay. *snort*
-- Think you're a health freak: Somewhat.
-- Get along with your parent(s): We don't really have a relationship... :-/
-- Like thunderstorms: Love 'em.
-- Play an instrument: James tried to teach me bass once. Failed.

LAYER SIX:
In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: :-/
-- Smoked: NO. NO TAR FOR ME. EVER.
-- Done a drug: :-/
-- Had Sex: No. Despite what people believe...I'm waiting.
-- Made Out: :)
-- Gone on a date: Yesh.
-- Gone to the mall?: No.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: Blehgh. Don't even ask me that.
-- Eaten sushi: Yes...before vacation Ava and I went out to Origami's in Stamford.
-- Been on stage: Stage crew?
-- Been dumped: No.
-- Made homemade cookies: No. I am not the domestic type.
-- Gone skinny dipping: 0.o
-- Dyed your hair: Nope.
-- Stolen anything: No. Criminal records are BAD, kids.

LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Well...okay.
-- Been caught "doing something": No. Never.
-- Been called a tease: Does "slut" count?
-- Gotten beaten up: No.
-- Shoplifted: No.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: Never.

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: Um, 35?
-- Numbers and Names of Children: If ANY (slim, slim chance): Bianca, Russell.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: Quiet, peaceful, ~~with my closest friends~~
-- How do you want to die: Sleeping.
-- Where do you want to go to college: PARSONS, BITCH.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: Doing art.
-- What country would you most like to visit: Italy.

LAYER NINE:
In a guy/girl..
-- Best eye color: Bright, aquamarine blue. :)
-- Best hair color: Black
-- Short or long hair: Short
-- Height: Tall
-- Best weight: Skinny!

LAYER TEN:
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: 4 7 1
-- Number of CDs that I own: Oh God, 150?
-- Number of piercings: 2 in each lobe, one in my right cartilage.
-- Number of tattoos: None.
-- Number of times: If I think you mean what I think you mean...None.
-- Number of scars on my body: Um. A lot.
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: ~~Vacation.~~ Nothing.

.i wanna kiss you every minute.every hour.every day.

2004-01-11T22:29:37Z

Mmmm. I love, love, love my boyfriend. Love. I am in luuuurve.

So Tuesday I went to go have coffee with Mary Anne. I was sort of nervous...after all, she's from the BSC - the organization-that-officially-hated-Ashley. But she was actually really cool, really friendly. She seemed a little depressed, but I wasn't going to pry - I just don't ask people about their personal lives. Hopefully we can get together again, it was really nice to talk to someone without being psychotic.

And yesterday I went over to Claudia's house. She hasn't changed that much, which I can really say is reassuring. Its nice to know this world isn't entirely crazy. Her art has really advanced too...she showed me this cubism piece, and I was totally blown away. She liked my art too, but I still can't take compliments well. Whatever. It was really, really nice. It was great to see her again.

So school has been hell. All I hear are whispers and rumors. And then? 3rd floor girls bathroom. Scrawled on the thrid stall over - "Ashley Wyath is a slut and a crackwhore." Jeezus christ. At least get my name right. Say it with me - w-y-E-t-h. James says there were some cruel things written about me in the guy's bathroom too, but he crossed them out. Didn't I tell you he was sweet? One more reason why I love him.

Desi still won't look at me, but I think Ava may be starting to crack. ~~I miss them.~~ No way. Independant woman, I am.

Procrastinating from my Current Events paper, and the little angel Ashley that sits on my right shoulder is yelling at me to finish it. So I am.

~~I'm so lonely.~~

.you epitome of perfection.

2004-01-11T03:36:41Z

No time for an update. At James's house. Just got back from one his band's gigs. Being the wonderful fangirl that I am, took some more pics. Here's a quick one that I found from the last time of James during their best song, "Fade".

((Tyson Ritter of the All-American Rejects))

Friends still being idiots. Ava tried some shit apology.

Oh god, how I miss them. As much as I'll never say it out loud...I fucking miss them.

Time for a makeout session - James just got out of the shower.

.Ash.

.i just ain't the same without you in my life.

2004-01-06T00:24:00Z

Yeah. School sucks.

I tried talking to Desi today - our first class together is Modern Euro. She wouldn't even look at me, just turned toward Audrey and continued to talk about her weekend loudly. Trying to find a seat at lunch was even worse - everyone was looking at me/avoiding my glances, and were literally whispering behind my back. God, for a school for "gifted and talented young adults", the students are pretty immature. Thank god I have James.

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

I'm meeting Mary Anne at Starbucks tomorrow, and Claudia the day after. Claudia's the one I'm nervous about. We have such a weird past, I don't know how its going to work. Or if it will work. Whatever. I'll be Nice Ashley.

Worked on the mural a bit more. Got some new magazines in today so I cut some stuff out, and I restocked on the rubber cement on the way home. Oh, that reminds me - I took a picture of a part of the mural that I've been working on. It's only a little section, though, but I really like it:

((Picture borrowed from http://www.porridge.ca/art/collage2.gif))

Yikes, I've got to go. I have to write up a little summary of the video we're making for SADD (more on that later) for the paper...wish there were more than 24 hours in a day.

.Ash.

.my hopes are so high.

2004-01-04T02:18:16Z

So I just checked back on the Stoneybrook Message Board to see if anyone responded. And wow.

9.

9 responses. That's 9 more than I thought I'd get. And when I offered coffee? People took me up on it. Crazy. I think I'm going to see if anyone really wants to go out for coffee, "get on the ball" (as my mom says)...caffene fix needed NOW.

Maybe this "Stoneybrook reunion" (as I'm calling it) won't be so bad after all.